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Living All of Life in View of the Cross

Filed under: marriage

What To Ask Before You Say "I Do"

Below are questions that John Piper, Pastor for Preaching and Vision at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, MN, compiled for folks considering marriage. It is not exhaustive, but a good start. 

Theology

  • What do you believe about...everything?
  • Perhaps read through [the Gospel Coalition's theological summary] to see where each other is on various biblical doctrines.
  • Discover how you form your views. What is the reasoning-believing process? How do you handle the Bible?

Worship and Devotion

  • How important is corporate worship? Other participation in church life?
  • How important is it to be part of a small accountability/support group?
  • What is the importance of music in life and worship?
  • What are your daily personal devotional practices? Prayer, reading, meditation, memorization.
  • What would our family devotions look like? Who leads out in this?
  • Are we doing this now in an appropriate way: praying together about our lives and future, reading the Bible together?

Husband and Wife

  • What is the meaning of headship and submission in the Bible and in our marriage?
  • What are expectations about situations where one of you might be alone with someone of the opposite sex?
  • How are tasks shared in the home: cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, yard work, car upkeep, repairs, shopping for food, and household stuff?
  • What are the expectations for togetherness?
  • What is an ideal non-special evening?
  • How do you understand who and how often sex is initiated?
  • Who does the checkbook—or are there two?

Children

  • If and when, should we have children? Why?
  • How many?
  • How far apart?
  • Would we consider adoption?
  • What are the standards of behavior?
  • What are the appropriate ways to discipline them? How many strikes before they’re...whatever?
  • What are the expectations of time spent with them and when they go to bed?
  • What signs of affection will you show them?
  • What about school? Home school? Christian school? Public school?

Lifestyle

  • Own a home or not? Why?
  • What kind of neighborhood? Why?
  • How many cars? New? Used?
  • View of money in general. How much to the church?
  • How do you make money decisions?
  • Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Thrift store? In between? Why?

Entertainment

  • How much money should we spend on entertainment?
  • How often should we eat out? Where?
  • What kind of vacations are appropriate and helpful for us?
  • How many toys? Snowmobile, boat, cabin?
  • Should we have a television? Where? What is fitting to watch? How much?
  • What are the criteria for movies and theater? What will our guidelines be for the kids?

Conflict

  • What makes you angry?
  • How do you handle your frustration or anger?
  • Who should bring up an issue that is bothersome?
  • What if we disagree both about what should be done, and whether it is serious?
  • Will we go to bed angry at each other?
  • What is our view of getting help from friends or counselors?

Work

  • Who is the main breadwinner?
  • Should the wife work outside the home? Before kids? With kids at home? After kids?
  • What are your views of daycare for children?
  • What determines where you will locate? Job? Whose job? Church? Family?

Friends

  • Is it good to do things with friends but without spouse?
  • What will you do if one of you really likes to hang out with so and so and the other doesn’t?

Health and Sickness

  • Do you have, or have you had any, sicknesses or physical problems that could affect our relationship? (Allergies, cancer, eating disorders, venereal disease, etc.)
  • Do you believe in divine healing and how would prayer relate to medical attention?
  • How do you think about exercise and healthy eating?
  • Do you have any habits that adversely affect health?

 

God's Drastic, Offensive, Liberating, Shocking and Counterintuitive Grace

Radicalgrace

At a Key Life pastor's conference, Dan Allender, said, "The Christian faith and the grace at its heart is so radical that most congregations can't deal with it." I will raise my hand to confess that I am one of those who wants to believe the gospel at a radical depth, but who struggles. Fear of failure and rejection. Insecurity and a need for approval and praise. These are often what influence me the most.

What if I were able to live completely under the liberating influence of the cross? What if I were to embrace the grace of God in Jesus that Tullian Tchividjian says is "way more drastic, way more offensive, way more liberating, way more shocking, and way more counterintuitive than any of us realize."

How would it affect how I pray? How I parent my kids? How I love my wife? How I treat my enemies? And what I do when nobody is looking? Nobody but Jesus. He would become the One for whom I long to live—to honor my Savior as a fully devoted disciple, enraptured by the immensity of his love, grace and mercy, knowing that I am that only because he was and is fully devoted to me... even when I wasn't devoted to him... even as I continue to wander, much of the time being much more devoted to my own reputation than to his. 

Paul's prayer for the church in Ephesus was that they would know this kind of transformative love and grace more and more deeply. That is what I want for myself, my wife and my children. May that be our prayer together at Creekstone as a community of ordinary folks who are coming alive to the wonder of the gospel by living all of life in view of the cross!

Ten Simple Reflections on Marriage

Pastedgraphic

Here are ten simple reflections from this past weekend's marriage conference.

1. Intimacy in marriage begins with intimacy with God as Abba, Father. Quality "face-time" with the Father sets up quality "fact-time" with my spouse. The closer and more intimate I am with the Father, the closer and more intimate I can be with my spouse (see the Love Triangle image below). 
2. Active, gospel faith (ie, "Jesus is my righteousness") enables me to be a safe place for my spouse to be real. The more I know the safety of  Jesus, the safer I can be with others. Does my spouse consider me to be safe? 
3. Although stated in different ways, it seems as if the number one desire of each gender is to be appreciated. How often to I take my spouse for granted? Too much. What can I do about this?
4. In light of the cross, Jesus leaves me with no doubt that he loves me. Does my spouse have no doubt about my love for him/her? What can I do to change that?
5. The difference between a general friendship and a healthy marriage is the depth of intimacy. Am I growing in intimacy with my spouse, or are we just living as room-mates? Are we living parallel lives, or growing closer?
6. Jesus loved well because he was able to look and really see the other person. How often do I take time to really look and see what is going on under the hood of my spouses' life? What questions do I need to ask? Am I a safe place for him/her to risk exposure of his/her fears/hurts/issues?
7. Most spouses do not want to be fixed. We want to be understood... and loved anyway. Am I a good listener, or just a good fixer?
8. The way most of us try to change our spouses is by giving them laws/rules/expectations to follow and obey. What if the way we really change is by being loved? But how can we love when a spouse is being unlovable? We believe the gospel — 1 John 4:9-10, "This is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and gave his Son as a propitiation for our sins. Since we have been loved like this, so we are to love one another." 
9. Since being loved empowers love, the best thing I can do for my spouse is to be the object of the Father's affection and live in light of His amazing grace. Is my chief identity as one who is loved by the Father by grace; or as one who is striving to be loved because of some great accomplishment I can achieve?
10. The problem in my marriage is most likely not my spouse; it is me. If I can begin there, hope and change can abound. 

Click here to download:
TheLoveTriangleofMaritalIntimacy2.pdf (20 KB)
(download)

Grace-Centered Marriage Conference Information

REGISTER HERE

"A Special Conference on the Grace-Centered Marraige"
September 16-17, 2011 at the Dahlonega Marketplace 
On the Historic Square in Downtown Dahlonega, GA

Schedule:
Friday, Sept. 16 - 7:00 p.m. — 9:30 p.m.
Saturday, Sept. 17 - 9:00 a.m. — Noon

“It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.” Those opening lines to Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities well describe the experience of marriage for many of us.  We have wonderfully fond memories of good experiences mixed with the pain of how sin influences every thread of the marriage relationship. Most of us have photos where we are smiling and enjoying the good times. But then communication breaks down. And along with that, romance. We argue over money. Feelings get hurt, reputations get defended and words are spoken in anger that we later regret. 

The Real Problem
But these problems are not the real problem. The disease that affects marriage is a root condition that demands a root solution.  Our goal for this weekend is to explore how experiencing God’s grace is the power that is able to change the heart as the gospel addresses the root problem and provides the root solution. 

There is Hope!
Even for the most broken of marriages, there really is hope. However, this conference is not merely for those in crisis—it is the best preventative medicine that you can find. 

Make the Investment
So, we really do hope that you will considering making the investment in your marriage by attending the Grace-Centered Marriage Conference. We think you will be glad you did!

Our Main Speaker - Dr. Johnny Long
Director of International Discipleship for World Harvest Mission

Five Ways to Show Practical Love to Your Spouse Today

Many of us have heard of Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages. These five languages actually provide five ways to demonstrate practical love in marriage. So today, instead of a to do list, make a "love in action" list and implement these five opportunities to show love.

1. Encourage your spouse verbally. This can be a good word about an accomplishment, a character trait, or how a new shirt "looks so good with your eyes."

2. Touch your spouse. This may seem like a no-brainer, but think about how much time goes by without touching—holding hands, hugging, a simple touch on the shoulder. Ever wonder why Jesus "touched" so many of those whom he healed—especially the lepers? Touch is a powerful extension of grace and says, "I love you."

3. Give him/her a simple gift. Some of us really enjoy receiving surprise gifts—even simple things like a note, a Reeses Butter Cup or a 1/2 gallon of his/her favorite ice cream. Mmm... 

4. Carve out special together time. Arrange a date night each week. This can be going out to dinner, or staying home and watching a movie on Netflix. And when you come home, why not hit the pause button on busyness and sit down on the sofa to just catch up and talk about the day?

5. Do something to help. Chapman calls this an "act of service." Doing the dishes. Making up the bed. Taking out the trash. Changing a lightbulb. Folding the clothes. Watering the garden. Changing a diaper. All of these small "acts" can say, "I love you."

Just make sure that in all of our doing, we do not become demanding. Doing these things well can make us self-righteous if we do them in order to get repaid. If that is the case, we are not extending grace, but creating a new law.  Think about it. Jesus did not reciprocate or respond to our attempts at goodness and love. In fact, 1 John 4:10 says, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." Therefore, in light of the gospel, let's not be love reciprocators, but love initiators—to the glory of God and for the good and joy of our marriages.

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