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Ten Simple Reflections on Marriage

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Here are ten simple reflections from this past weekend's marriage conference.

1. Intimacy in marriage begins with intimacy with God as Abba, Father. Quality "face-time" with the Father sets up quality "fact-time" with my spouse. The closer and more intimate I am with the Father, the closer and more intimate I can be with my spouse (see the Love Triangle image below). 
2. Active, gospel faith (ie, "Jesus is my righteousness") enables me to be a safe place for my spouse to be real. The more I know the safety of  Jesus, the safer I can be with others. Does my spouse consider me to be safe? 
3. Although stated in different ways, it seems as if the number one desire of each gender is to be appreciated. How often to I take my spouse for granted? Too much. What can I do about this?
4. In light of the cross, Jesus leaves me with no doubt that he loves me. Does my spouse have no doubt about my love for him/her? What can I do to change that?
5. The difference between a general friendship and a healthy marriage is the depth of intimacy. Am I growing in intimacy with my spouse, or are we just living as room-mates? Are we living parallel lives, or growing closer?
6. Jesus loved well because he was able to look and really see the other person. How often do I take time to really look and see what is going on under the hood of my spouses' life? What questions do I need to ask? Am I a safe place for him/her to risk exposure of his/her fears/hurts/issues?
7. Most spouses do not want to be fixed. We want to be understood... and loved anyway. Am I a good listener, or just a good fixer?
8. The way most of us try to change our spouses is by giving them laws/rules/expectations to follow and obey. What if the way we really change is by being loved? But how can we love when a spouse is being unlovable? We believe the gospel — 1 John 4:9-10, "This is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and gave his Son as a propitiation for our sins. Since we have been loved like this, so we are to love one another." 
9. Since being loved empowers love, the best thing I can do for my spouse is to be the object of the Father's affection and live in light of His amazing grace. Is my chief identity as one who is loved by the Father by grace; or as one who is striving to be loved because of some great accomplishment I can achieve?
10. The problem in my marriage is most likely not my spouse; it is me. If I can begin there, hope and change can abound. 

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TheLoveTriangleofMaritalIntimacy2.pdf (20 KB)
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Grace-Centered Marriage Conference Information

REGISTER HERE

"A Special Conference on the Grace-Centered Marraige"
September 16-17, 2011 at the Dahlonega Marketplace 
On the Historic Square in Downtown Dahlonega, GA

Schedule:
Friday, Sept. 16 - 7:00 p.m. — 9:30 p.m.
Saturday, Sept. 17 - 9:00 a.m. — Noon

“It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.” Those opening lines to Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities well describe the experience of marriage for many of us.  We have wonderfully fond memories of good experiences mixed with the pain of how sin influences every thread of the marriage relationship. Most of us have photos where we are smiling and enjoying the good times. But then communication breaks down. And along with that, romance. We argue over money. Feelings get hurt, reputations get defended and words are spoken in anger that we later regret. 

The Real Problem
But these problems are not the real problem. The disease that affects marriage is a root condition that demands a root solution.  Our goal for this weekend is to explore how experiencing God’s grace is the power that is able to change the heart as the gospel addresses the root problem and provides the root solution. 

There is Hope!
Even for the most broken of marriages, there really is hope. However, this conference is not merely for those in crisis—it is the best preventative medicine that you can find. 

Make the Investment
So, we really do hope that you will considering making the investment in your marriage by attending the Grace-Centered Marriage Conference. We think you will be glad you did!

Our Main Speaker - Dr. Johnny Long
Director of International Discipleship for World Harvest Mission

Five Ways to Show Practical Love to Your Spouse Today

Many of us have heard of Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages. These five languages actually provide five ways to demonstrate practical love in marriage. So today, instead of a to do list, make a "love in action" list and implement these five opportunities to show love.

1. Encourage your spouse verbally. This can be a good word about an accomplishment, a character trait, or how a new shirt "looks so good with your eyes."

2. Touch your spouse. This may seem like a no-brainer, but think about how much time goes by without touching—holding hands, hugging, a simple touch on the shoulder. Ever wonder why Jesus "touched" so many of those whom he healed—especially the lepers? Touch is a powerful extension of grace and says, "I love you."

3. Give him/her a simple gift. Some of us really enjoy receiving surprise gifts—even simple things like a note, a Reeses Butter Cup or a 1/2 gallon of his/her favorite ice cream. Mmm... 

4. Carve out special together time. Arrange a date night each week. This can be going out to dinner, or staying home and watching a movie on Netflix. And when you come home, why not hit the pause button on busyness and sit down on the sofa to just catch up and talk about the day?

5. Do something to help. Chapman calls this an "act of service." Doing the dishes. Making up the bed. Taking out the trash. Changing a lightbulb. Folding the clothes. Watering the garden. Changing a diaper. All of these small "acts" can say, "I love you."

Just make sure that in all of our doing, we do not become demanding. Doing these things well can make us self-righteous if we do them in order to get repaid. If that is the case, we are not extending grace, but creating a new law.  Think about it. Jesus did not reciprocate or respond to our attempts at goodness and love. In fact, 1 John 4:10 says, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." Therefore, in light of the gospel, let's not be love reciprocators, but love initiators—to the glory of God and for the good and joy of our marriages.

Questions to Ask Your Spouse

Living the gospel is risky business. It means that we have no personal righteousness to defend anymore; nor anything to prove. The (ideal) result is a individual who is humble and teachable... and this means critiqueable. This person knows he/she is saved by grace and has more flaws and sinful tendencies than he/she is even aware. When I begin to flare up when critiqued, challenged or rebuked, I can KNOW that I am living by the flesh and not by the gospel/Spirit. But when I am living by the gospel, healthy, helpful conversations can take place that get two married people speaking at the heart level about how they can love each other well—especially if they have not been doing so in the past. Here are some questions to consider asking. But make sure you both are prepared to live by the gospel. Otherwise, this could get ugly!

1. Are we both prepared to live by the gospel - finding our righteousness in the gift-righteousness of Jesus and our identity that of a completely forgiven, fully-loved and accepted son or daughter of the Father?
2. Why do you think so many marriages fail? Why do you think marriages succeed?
3. What could happen if we lavished forgiveness on each other in the way the Father has lavished it on us? 
4. But why is it so hard to forgive?  And why is it so hard to really repent (not make excuses or do pennance, but confess a wrong and acknowledging the real hurt/pain the sin has caused someone else)?
5. What does it mean to love? (not the emotion, but the action - see 1 John 4:9-10 and Romans 5:6-8)
6. What would it look like if I were to love you well? What could I do differently?

When Sinners Say "I Do"

Since this is my major "sermon prep day," I just want to post something quick and simple, but potentially marriage transforming. As part of our weeklong marriage resource week, the book that I most recommend is When Sinners Say I Do: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage, by Dave Harvey. In a nutshell, it is the best treatment of how the gospel applies to marriage that I have read. The main point is that when we learn to live in light of the cross, problems related to communication, conflict resolution and romance begin to self-correct as we deal with the root of our problem and not just the fruit. This means that we everyday followers of Jesus must become theologians of grace. It is not a pursuit that takes place in an Ivory Tower, but on the mean streets (and sometimes the mean homes) that result from living in a fallen, sinful world. So married friends, get this book... read it together... digest it... and talk about what it might mean for you to live your marriage in the full light of the gospel. This is exciting stuff!

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