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Living All of Life in View of the Cross

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Best Parenting Book Ever (IMHO)

I am reading a newly released book by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus. Although I am only half-way through, I can say with confidence that this is the best book on parenting I have ever read. The best (and yes, I have read the Tripp's books, which are fantastic, too). In fact, Give Them Grace is one of the best books on the gospel that I have ever read. I'm blown away. Anyway, here is a quote that sets the tone for what many (including myself) will find to be a "world rocking" parenting book.

"Even though our children cannot and will not obey God's law, we need to teach it to them again and again. and when they tell us that they can't love God or others in this way, we are not to argue with them. We are to agree with them and tell them of their (and our our) need for a Savior... We are commanded to give them the law so that they will be crushed by it and see their need for a Savior. They law won't make them good. It will make them despair of ever being good enough, and in that way it will make them open to the love, sacrifice, and welcome of their Savior, Jesus Christ... Yes, give them God's law. Teach it to them and tell them that God commands obedience. But before you are done, give them grace and explain again the beautiful story of Christ's perfectly keeping of it for them... This is the message we all need to hear, and is the only message that will transform our hearts."

Oh, and this only sets the tone. PLEASE get this book (order it here). Read it. Digest it. It WILL change your parenting radically, and maybe even your own life. It is changing mine. 

The Goal of Christian Parenting

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This is a post from August of 2009. In light of Sunday's message, I thought it was timely enough to repost:

I love it when my children are obedient. Now, don’t get me wrong. They are not always obedient— far from it!  (After all, they are my kids, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.)  I said that I love it when they are obedient, particularly because it makes my life so much easier.  Consequently, it is easy for me to focus on their behavior.  I give them rules and tell them to obey… or else!  When they obey, we get along wonderfully.  When they disobey, they get the “or else.” However, if my primary parenting goal is to raise outwardly obedient, well-behaved children, then in the end, I will not be serving them well.  This is because, as a parent who claims to follow Jesus, my goal in the child rearing process is not merely to see my children reformed morally, but to see them transformed spiritually– and there is a huge gulf between those two goals.  

The former focuses on actions. The latter focuses on motives. The former wants to create a rule-keeper. The later desires to shape a Jesus-lover. The former demands immediate results.  The later recognizes that reaching the heart of a child is a process. When parents consciously shift their parenting philosophy toward reaching their child’s heart, everything changes.  Not only do the goals change, but so also do the methods.  For example, if my primary goal for my children is outward obedience, then I must serve as the standard of moral perfection. 

The consequences of this are devastating.  One tragedy is that I am no longer able to confess my own sins before my children. I will tend to justify myself and then discipline them as if I were no longer a sinner. Thus, I parent with pride and discipline out of anger. In this scenario, my aim is to rear no more than a Pharisee– the kind of person in Jesus’ day who was outwardly moral, but according to Jesus was a son of the Devil and a whitewashed tomb. Alternatively, if I want to reach the heart of my child, I must be honest and vulnerable about my own sin.  Yes, I still serve as their standard. But the standard is now what it means to be a sinner who needs a Savior. 

My children need to internalize the gospel, and the only way that will happen is if I internalize it myself. The result is that I am able to parent out of humility and discipline with patience, because the ultimate goal for my children is not merely moral reformation, but ultimately spiritual transformation– a life that is changed from the inside out.

The Best Gift a Parent Can Give

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In lecture #5 of Sonship, Jack Miller is brutally honest about his failure in parenting, saying, 

"My great sin against my daughter Barbara was that I did not reach her [heart]. I didn't try to. I was really concerned about outward behavior, thinking that if I worked on the outward behavior, it would work inward. It never works that way... I presented the gospel like law, and I was not broken before her."

Psalm 51:16-17, which my Sonship counselor is having ME pray for myself this week, says, "For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." 

God delights in the broken, contrite, repentant, humble, needy heart that comes to him for forgiveness, healing and grace. He will not despise me if I come that way, but welcome me as the Father did the younger son in Luke 15. And neither will my children despise that kind of heart. It may be that the greatest gift that I can give my kids is not material— it is my own brokenness of soul and need for a Savior-Healer-Redeemer. If that is the attitude of my heart, then I will not parent in the all-to-typical self-righteous, I-would-never-act-like-that style. But that is pure hypocrisy, and our kids see right through it... and hate it (even if they can't express it like that when they are younger. But when they reach the teen years, they begin to react in all kinds of unpleasant ways). 

So maybe what my kids need is not a bullet proof Dad, but a nail scarred Jesus. My ever present need for that Savior just might be the best gift that I can give.  

Suggestions on Discipling Our Own Kids

The Bible is pretty clear that parents, and fathers in particular, are called to disciple their own children. We see this from Dueteronomy 6, to Solomon's Proverbs, to Ephesians 6, where Paul writes, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the nurture and instruction of the Lord."  Yes, there is a place where the church assists parents in the process. However, the church, even as a covenant community, cannot replace parents in the process. The role of the church, and particularly the pastoral leadership, is to equip parents (and especially fathers) to nurture and instruct their own children. To show them how to repent and believe the gospelo, and how to teach them sound doctrine. So for you parents and fathers out there, here are two very basic, introductory equipping suggestions.

Read the Bible. Give your children an understanding of the Bible's redemptive story by reading the story to them. However, let me suggest that, rather than breaking out the King James Version, that you read from a children's story Bible. The goal is to give them the big picture of God's story. Details will come later. I recommend beginning with The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name, by Sally Lloyd-Jones. This is a big-time paraphrase, but shows how the story of the Bible and each particular story points to Jesus as Savior.

Read theology. I have read from books such as J.I. Packer's Concise Theology in the past, and now have begun R.C. Sproul's Essential Truths of the Christian Faith. So far, this is my favorite because (1) it is well written, (2) each doctrine is explained in about 2 pages, (3) it has summary points at the end, (4) as well as Scriputre to read if you want to go further (or have older kids). This book is highly, highly recommended. By the way, you do not have to start at the beginning, and in the case of Essential Truths, I wouldn't. The front end is very weighty and complex philosophical theology. Come back to it once you've covered things such as the attributes of God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, sin, the fall and redemption, the church, etc.

We typically read after dinner, right there at the table before we get up and scatter. This means arranging your life so that your family eats together on a regular basis (and not in front of the TV, please). If you don't or can't eat togehter (I realize that sports, homework, etc., can make this a challenge), then I'd recommend finding some time during the day to slow down, connect, and read. Then ask questions and consider applications.

Of course, there is more to say. The day-in, day-out, gospel-centered conversations of life and dealing with problems is where discipleship really happens. But understanding the story of the Bible and having a grasp on sound doctrine gives parents and children together the scaffolding upon which to engage in the daily conversations of law and grace, fall and redemption, despair and hope.

SPECIAL NOTE: I realize that there are families where, due to death or divorce, the father is not present. That was my experience as a child. So I want to encourage those who are single mothers to recognize their unique role as a dual parent of sorts. It is an extra challenge that I trust will be met with extra grace from the God whose heart is for the orphan and widow.

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